money is never a prolem...i misconception i used to have

i haven't wanted many things in life,but i have always had what i wanted.not that i had it easy.i had to fight for it,make my parents and siblings angry,and not to think of other people who always thought i m wrong.
even though i hate hurting people,it all went away once i had what i wanted.
i have never wanted anyTHING in particular,not like a chocolate,or a dol.no nothing like that.but the things i wanted were mostly going to school picnic,hanging out with friends,and people i find kind and good.always had to fight with my family and the society for doing all those.
but now i have stuck myself into a huge problem that i never thought i would have to face.
i have always wanted to go to uk and study astro related subjects.i have very recently been accepted to the only university i tried for.everything is set,i would live with m boyfriend there,and study and work hard so that my parents wont have to pay for my living,n so that i can contribute few thousand pounds the next year.
but it needs to b shown that i have my full year tution fee and livivng expence before i can have the unconditional offer.
i dont have that money yet.
my older sister says i wont have it.
i dont know what to do.
my father have asked me to forget about going to uk.may be try finland or austria or sweden.
may be those r good countries.but i have dreamt about uk not sweden nor finland and neither austria.
i have to go to the university that i have chosen.if not then i dont want any otherwise...infact i dont wnt ANYTHING at all...my life has to end here.
its either the way i want it or no way at all.

i never belived in religion,but always believed int he creator.
but right now i ask him,if he is really there,why doesnt he do something about it.
why doesnt he want me to be happy.
why doesnt he give me what i will be happy with.

Drained

Its been 3 years now,and still when a question isn't answered,i get the phone hung up on me.its irritating.

i get to know from someone else that he still has feelings for me.and that was supposed to be the good part.but i say,for what?

sure he has feelings for me,and he always hangs the phone up on me!

sure he likes me,and he just can't tackle a single unanswered question!

and yah! sure he loves me,and that's the end of his trail of struggle for his love!

we have been in the relationship when we were 17.and he broke up with me last year,2 days before valentines day.

the devil inside me gets a smug on its face whenever i remember that day.i can reckon him telling me that love is rubbish,and he still thinks that.i guess he was right,too foolish of me to have tried something that generations of people before me have tried,and failed.how could i have accomplished something they couldn't.

anyway,so today i called and he asked about my financial condition an di ignored the topic and started talking about something else.No matter what i said he kept bringing the same topic.what he asked wasn't bad,wasn't bad at all.

he said "i heard that u r low on ur cash,why so?"

"um..u shouldn't always believe what you hear outside"

"so tell me"

"um..can we talk about something else"

"nope,tell me "

I kept repeating same same answer again and again,then he got mad and hung up.

i though to myself may be i shouldnt be so mean and came online to gtalk.

thought me be i should write "cant you ever i'm me if i don't" but insted i asked "whats up"

he went offline.

and now i m too pissed to go and study.i have an exam tomorrow and i have no preparation at all.

Now like an idiot after writing it all down i feel the anger drained off me again.as usual.And i just hope he doesn't have a bad day.